"We're Closing Because----" du Jour

It began harmlessly enough, some eye rolls, sighs, exasperated sidelong glances, tight-lipped "have a great day"s...I can't even remember the exact comment that sent me off into raucous hysteria, but none of us could hide that this question was getting too tedious; because the only real reason is because this person and 10,000 other maniacs didn't buy enough items in our store. There's the discount warehouses, suburban big boxes, 60" plasma orgasm fund-sucker factor, on-line buying, construction junction, grocery check-out line co-options, lots and lots of money mouths to feed, okay. 'Nuff said, we're closing. No one has jobs lined up, and it so sucks. Perhaps a concerned comment, thank you, we'll miss you, too. But when someone asks merely to let you know how much this inconveniences them to walk one block to another store to purchase the same two $1.99 & $3.49 magazines...this started the descent into madness and delirium.

I stood at the computer and began 99 pt typing "We're closing because--" and a customer receiving her change back said "Wow, I've never seen Iowa" upon spying an Iowa state quarter. I typed "--I've never seen Iowa" and that was the first sign. I did not stop laughing for at least an hour. It got progressively worse. "We're closing because my millionaire boyfriend insists" was next, "We won Powerball and you didn't", "the book deal came through", I've been appointed Minister of Culture of the Czech Republic," "our mission on this planet is complete", "it's time to make the donuts," "your mom needs me bad" (no, not that one) "American Idol's auditioning" and you got the idea. Hi-larious, over the top, snarky and for once, very real. As in, the souls behind the name-tags.

Most people laughed. An actual couple from Iowa thought it was bizarre. Most people got the gist, another store a block away, ha ha, but we liked your place better. The next question of "What's going in here then?" is the one I want to do next, but I think I'm feeling bitter and will be the only person to get the joke. "Watch for 'Big Bubba Hubba's Tattoo Removal and Face Tightening' by Feb 15!" Or the "Ganesh Love Handle Candle & Pawn". Landlord would love those ideas.

Sometimes you just need to laugh, and bring a lot of people with you. Try to keep up.

Tomorrow is our actual last day with customers. Then the sparkling carriage turns into a humble punkin again, and Saturday morning dawns haggard on instantly worthless products, mountains of packing, sorting, and ruthlessly dumpstering. It all reminds me of the bleakest Ebenezer Scrooge of all, Alastir Sim in a B&W post-war London film studio's Victorian sets, with the ragpickers, scullery maids and undertakers bickering over Scrooge's linens, bed curtains, and measly effects. I love that film, it's so real, and always converts me from my Scroogeyness. I feel gratitude, and quit being a crab-ass, and feel gently blessed.

This term of service with this company has been a ride that has provided me with a lifetime of material, for which I am , if not grateful, at least thrilled to escape with. We will put on some Led Zeppelin, inappropriate t-shirts, eat pizza and drink way too much Coke, pack up the detritus and redundancy, and hit the street full of party plans. Try to keep up.