Severance Ordeal part 1

I've been glib all day. Sassy, fun, excited at a day away from the closing business, enjoying a sun-drenched 30-degree winter's day, taking pictures, thinking this relaxed morning is a glimpse of my impending future.
After getting the mail, I sobered up real fast. The official "Severance Package" arrived, thanking me for my (4 of 10) years with the hang-dog division, never mentioning my 6 years with the winning dog division, and thoughtfully enclosing a 7 page document on how to conduct myself during the job interview process. I was a @#%*-ing Human Resources Manager for krist's sake, give me a break from the lowest common denominator bullshit for a minute. The COBRA is highway robbery (basically you are paying how much a month it would actually cost you if you got sick) and there was nothing indicating my amount of payout or how soon that package would arrive, let alone how long that form would take to "process".

Ohhhh, I feel the Big Bitter coming on. Good thing the sun is courageously blasting my winter world into golden wonder this afternoon, or I might have needed to reach for some strong medicine, like Swiss Vanilla Almond, abandoned Internet shopping, cheap frozen tequila drinks & ruthless sex, ear-splitting Led Zeppelin, or (gulp) the dreaded jalapeno Tim's Potato Chips. Over-doing something is called for, but I don't wanna get hurt today. It's too nice out.

I went in this morning on my day off to take some pictures for the removal company, & I saw two of the parcel drivers I've gotten to know over the past four years, and took a few shots of them with the big trucks. I cannot stress how integral it is to a business to have good drivers and good relationships with these hard-schlepping folks. I'm going to miss these guys so much, a piece of each day is extracted along with my employment status. I wonder about their new dogs, the high school daughter's college search, the new media room addition on the old house, the progress of the day-trading. They don't know quite what to say either. We both feel sad and yet a bit silly that we do. I guess they like me, too.

The fragile light this morning through the matchstick blinds seemed like fog at first, that amazing frozen fog hovering over the Willamette Valley, stinging lilac apprehension, fantasy sky we've had so often lately. When you awake, is it 5:30am or 5:30pm? You can't tell at first. There is that hush of thick air, gently carrying sounds, that reflected so much white light into the 6am bedroom I knew it was snow. Make coffee, curl back into bed, listen to the radio news and kids walking to school outside, dog leashes and toddlers' strollers, and hints of my neighbors' fireplace making it's way into the drafty unglazed windows by my head. How did I ever live without this? How did my life accelerate into numbness and drudgery? Can I really make the best possible world out of this lay-off, do I have what it takes, what I need to carry this off?
What will I do if I don't? Winter in Portland is a dormant time, post-holiday calm, heat is off, go to Hood or stay indoors. There are jobs, should I be worried? Should I apply for the new position launching in a different division of the Company, an ersatz promotion, new direction, keep the 4 weeks vacation, benefits, worthless stock options? Wait for the axe to fall again later in the year after the new CEO has warned all employees that the next three years are going to be "challenging" and "an opportunity for growth", all corporate jargon for "sucking really hard"?
Look forward to future lay-offs, division closures, "re-assignment" ie; demotion, hating it even more than I do now and kicking my own ass for not getting out now?

All of my co-workers have moved into the next phases of grieving--shock has worn off, and so has anger, negotiating was last week, this week was more feigned indifference, making lines of demarcation and stepping over them, using verbs indicating this workplace is past tense, plans for travel, relocation, school resumption. Parts of this remind me of finishing a film, I started calling the post-closing party plans the "wrap party". We want to drink, eat, celebrate the good stuff, feed the ties we want to maintain, let go of what we didn't want to carry in the first place, and I get to stand down from my vigilance of being the Boss. I look forward to that. These are good folks, that's why I hired them in the first place.