It's days like this that I realize I don't know what I'm doing.
Having an amazing lunch with my director, hair let down, real-time talking, no bullshit back and forth, and I see even more clearly my time with this Company is over. Then I ask her some questions that sound so paranoid, she just looks at me with that disappointed let-down eyelids look, and I see I just blew the great lunch. Caramelized onions with rigatoni and basil garlic cream sauce and grilled chicken. Yee-gads. I may need to call her later this year to test the pre-holiday job pickings, but I hope not. There's so much to do to get to February and the free-lance life---then the sun came out, it stopped sprinkling, and we stood outside watching the trains go by, both amazed Christmas is actually behind us again.
This time last year, I was feeling the same way, only without the lay-off. I was sure I was on my way to the Artist's Life, make the treasure, uncover the beauty, craft the good goods, smile humbly, collect the money. Repeat in a leisurely and profitable fashion. I began locating the raw materials, I sketched, I researched, I planned, I web-surfed, Googled, stalled and brainstormed with everyone. But it was a damp box of matches. And the sideways glances from those in my immediate nervous circle did not buoy me with confidence or validation. Much sighing, more stalling, then the deep sink into premium ice cream or beer.
One of the best summers of my life was shared on my front porch with my landlady, every dog-walking neighbor, baby-in-tow or no, drop-by folks and planned guests with ale, grills, glasses, bottles and sooooooo much sun. Spectacular Portland summer spent thoroughly. I knitted an entire Noro wool cardigan sweater while tanning. And as I crept into late August and the dimming of the eternal day, came the waves of bruised gray dread that ahead lay another holiday build into madness and no escape from the runaway train.
Oh dear, so bleak. I found some strength, and submitted to the ride, came out again alive (always so startled) and this time I lost my job at the end. Whoa. The train slowed and threw me off. I know it's a good thing, but the bumps and scratches need some time.
Selfishly, I stole an employee from another division a few years ago, and we have been the Genius Bitch Posse, intent on world domination, promoting trashy culture consumption, and making sure we had a good grip on the fun factor of day to day doing business. We revived vaudeville retail to rave reviews. Today while discussing future plans and buy-outs, I felt sick, suddenly realizing how much I will miss working with her everyday in the asylum. She'll be fine, whole life ahead etc etc, but our lab-o-laffs is shutting down. The best thing about this Company has always been the people in the vortex with me, and we reach escape velocity to fling away across country, back to school, into relationships, arranged marriages, "real jobs", away in every possible direction. The great thing about Portland is that slingy boomerang phenomenon---beads on a singing wire.
1 comment:
Hi-ya pal---
Don't fear self-promotion. I bookmarked you and will read you everyday, where's your hit-counter?
No time for shy!!
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