"--til the lady in the pantsuit says it is"

My girl is not winning the race and it's affecting me in a truly deep way, I feel very subdued. It's hard to explain, because I'm suffering from campaign fatigue like everyone else, and wanted it to be August 6 months ago already. She was ahead then, if I had only known what I was wishing for.

So many of my hopes were pinned on her winning, and of seeing her run against McCain, and the thrill of watching her inauguration as the first woman president of my country, I lived to see it, and I voted her in, and would probably cry watching the magnificent moment of her taking the oath, with Bill holding the bible tearing up himself, like he does. It had already all played out in my heart and after 8 years of Bush Purgatorio, 2009 was going to be off to such a great start.

So, now the re-grouping. It has been a high tide of many emotions, and my wave is now a mere line of bubbles in the sand, hissing into silence. Silly me, I let myself get carried up in it, all those years of feminism in my hair was now the real world. My satisfaction was tangible. She was my highest ambition coming true, liberal values and equality taking over at last! I feel kinda lost.

Of course, Barack Obama is another great candidate, another history-making moment to be alive and witnessing, and I am proud that we've reached this point, certainly. As candidates, they weren't that far apart, and I'm not a Democratic Party zealot, I go for the person more than the affiliation. But my heart isn't in it for him, he's not my guy. I'm not sending him any of my money, I'm tired of hearing about how he never was for the war, as if anyone but Bush/Cheney had a hard-on for American soldiers and Iraqi civilians being killed. That slant may sway the kids I go to school with, but to me it sounds empty, Obama wasn't even a Senator yet and wasn't in a position to even vote on it, so shut up already about it, it sounds lame. Inexperience speaks loudly for itself. But my disappointment is making me bitter. Barring some horrific October Surprise, I'll probably be voting for him, knowing he is gathering a SWAT team of movers and shakers that Hillary would have hired, so it may all even out some.

Besides, there's all those girls and young women who now take this new threshold as the New Reality Base, and will go on from here, and that does warm my heart. Always forward, no more Disney-style Neo-con Nostalgia for a Myth that never was real for the majority of us. I hope Obama exceeds my expectations and graciously moves us ahead, and shows the Republicans how it should be done. I like all the boxing gloves I see at Hillary rallies, and I wonder if she'll try again. As all women in the trenches know, you cannot quit, you cannot wimp out, you cannot whine or make excuses or do anything to appear weak and ineffectual. There's those sneering critics just waiting for a chance to gloat that "she couldn't take the heat!" The women pundits know why she hasn't quit, and sit there with their hands folded pretending to listen to the guys go on and on about it back and forth, and don't reveal the reason. But we know why. You cannot quit, ever.

Over the Cliff

We were advised in class today that we'd taken our professor too literally, and followed his directions so unswervingly, we took it right over the cliff. The paper assignment, I mean.
And again, he threatened us that he has much much higher expectations for the one we're beginning after the midterm next week. I hope he gives us the topic parameters more than just a week ahead of time for this one, and maybe if he quit threatening us, we'd not step on the backs of his heels trying to do it exactly right.

I was surprised to hear two fellow classmates behind me on the stairs after class saying how they are having to do more research just to figure out who the main figures are in the field, because the prof keeps referencing them but never really had us learn about them, but expects us to know which guy said what, and why are we reading about baseball superstitions when we could be reading about these founders of the discipline? He has us read these assignments, but then never discusses them in class. Our textbooks don't even give an overview of the terminology, list the definitions or significant breakthroughs, or what's going on in the field now. And I had thought these two young women were so busy playing with their text messages to even think about this, so good for them, and shame on me. But it's true.

So he's going to hate my paper, now I know it for sure. Someone told me to just withdraw from the class, get an incomplete, and take it again next year with hopefully a different professor. Now that the term is almost half over, let's just get it over with and move on, is my thought. The ultimate irony is that this was going to be the focus of my major in the subject, and now I'm all put off. It just feels like a no-win all the way around.

The weather isn't helping. After that 80 degree sunny weekend almost two weeks ago, I feel like a barnacle on some barge under the Morrison Bridge. I've changed all my slide shows on my computers to tropical islands, Rocky Mountain wide blue skies, and Saharan Dunes under pure azure. My retinas need sunshine and blue above me, HELP! Saturday's supposed to be nice, high 60s and some sunshine. Reading the Odyssey on my front porch and doing laptop astronomy homework are my only plans. I got a scientific calculator today that promises fewer hours and tears, but ha ha ha, I have to learn how to use it. This is a different term entirely.

Hillary won in Pennsylvania last night, and I am so happy that she's fighting on, and not caving in to the pressure from the pundits that a national civil race war will break out if she wins the nomination by super-delegates. What kind of crap is that? How freaking racist is it to have white guys on CNN promising riots and mayhem bringing down the whole election if Hillary doesn't quit now and go home? That's like telling Obama to bug out now because if he gets the nomination by only a slim popular vote, every woman and blue collar worker will riot against African Americans and threaten the safety of the country. Like that would happen. We have two candidates that we don't want to see go all mean, to stoop to those old dog tactics of yesteryear, and I think they've held onto that position for themselves for a good long time. But the Republicans are catching a whiff of fresh air that maybe John McCain isn't so bad after all, and maybe they can win. I think Evil Rove is resting up for the summer so he can sharpen his teeth on whichever Democrat is left standing after the convention, and then this race will start to look like those ultimate cage fighters on cable---and that Democrat had better be able to suit up and let it fly. And I really want it to be Hillary, let Obama serve another term or two in the Senate, and then run and win.

Thinking about this the other day, I totally 'get' the generational thing, and why the average 25 year old is all hyped for Obama. None of these kids want to have a president that reminds them of their mom or one of their mom's friends, it's still a little weird yet. Much of my support for Hillary is for her personally, because I know her story and I know what a huge part she played in Bill's presidency, I was there and hoped she'd have her own shot at national politics afterwards. Part of it is her being a woman candidate, naturally, no shame in that for me, but I have always liked her, mostly because some of her story resembles mine I think. And I want her to go all the way, over the guardrail and fly out over the resistance and win this election, and be my president. If she weren't running, I'd most likely have the Obama buttons on, knowing he's going to need some on the job training, rattle the political science faculty of higher institutions now.

NOT Waiting to Exhale

After some comfort remedies of panang curry and strawberry Haagen Dazs last night, I bravely flipped back over to CNN at 10 and saw the happy almost-sweep Hillary made of Texas, Ohio and Rhode Island.

This grrrrrl starts YELLIN' at the television set----so happy, so happy, so happy. Hillary looked so happy delivering her speech, and as much as the pundits like to slam her for tearing up, she seemed truly humbled at the very very end of her speech. Her voice caught, that her supporters surged like almost a force of nature to keep her from going down in flames last night. Believe me, this woman may be a seasoned politician, but she was moved and understands that she can't do this all by her self-sufficient self. But I've been a fan for almost 20 years, she and I are both feminists of the second wave who don't apologize for it, and now in our middle age, girls grow up being able to almost take it for granted that they can run for office and not just be the "coffee girl".
This is a huge stride, just as huge as the civil rights stride that makes Barack Obama the other "this is so cool right now!!" candidate. My friend's 13 year old actually asked her mom to tell her about the 60's so she could understand better all the references to it culturally and politically, and she was truly astounded at what the status quo had been. These are the moments that humble me. 'Cause I was a little kid then and remember the snarling white faces live on black and white TV, and heard people say out loud the most horrible things when Martin Luther King was killed, and saw my friends' moms ostracized and belittled for going to work and being one of those "god-damned women's libbers". I used to tell my parents that I was born a liberated woman, and it pissed them off. But it's true, and makes me want to holler at my television today when I see these bitter nasty pseudo-preachers slam Hillary Clinton because they are still feeling insulted that she "didn't stay home and bake cookies" but became an attorney and worked on the Watergate hearings--didn't know her place was in the home and to stay there. And shut up.
That's why I want to see her as Madame President. Like Benazir Bhutto, or Chancellor Angela Merkel, even Thatcher or Meir or Indira Gandhi, it's not like Hillary would be the first and only one ever. Because I know she can do it. No one could have a better kitchen cabinet than hers. And that's not a lame joke, FDR had one, too.
I'm not anti-Obama. If it were he and anyone else running, that sticker on my car would say "Obama '08". It could yet, who can say today who clinches the nomination? The two people I was watching CNN with last night both said they wished Michelle Obama was running instead of her husband. That too may come to pass. She's a high-power attorney. She doesn't stay home and bake cookies all day. That is how far we've all come (thank god) in the last 40 years, that we can know that and it is not an attempt at humor. It is where we are today.

So so happy about that.

You'd Think It's November

Can a person hold their breath for an entire day in primary season?

All the way home on the bus today, I'm thinking, "Turn on CNN and see how the voting is going," and then the trap door drops out and I hear, "Don't put yourself through this, it seems even Democrats want to be preached to, he'll hire all her best wonks to do what he doesn't know how to anyway, start moving on."

I'm watching Wolf Blitzer with the sound on really low.

This summer, when McCain wasn't doing so well, I thought of how I had told my co-workers 2 years ago that McCain would win in 2008, really not much doubt about it in my mind. I was amazed his campaign seemed to be on life-support and Romney was doing his best SNL Reagan impersonation and actually being taken fairly seriously. I knew Giuliani was way too New York for everyone but South Floridians and their kids who still live in New York and New Jersey.

So I was really wrong about Barack Obama. Man oh man, was I ever. He's hip, he's cool, he can do the hanging loose with everybody thing, he's never said anything while his wife was running for president that is still being bitterly held against him over 20 years later (the staying home and making cookies thing) and he can even admit to doing drugs and not be held to an executive office standard. Wow, who'd have thought it? The right wingers hate him less because he's a guy, and he hasn't done anything yet that they can nail him about.

So even though I was right that McCain is the Republican nominee, and the least of all Republican evils, he just may loose to Obama. And it hit me the other night seeing Barack on TV, that he seems kind of familiar, and I don't mean the MLK oratory style. When he's standing there just talking, and walking back and forth on a stage, it finally hit me who it was: Bill Clinton.
And then I realized that's why he might win, McCain will seem like the first George Bush, and Obama will seem like the younger, new generation, hipper (the ladies like 'im) fresh from state government Bill Clinton. 'Cause we all know that if Bill and Hillary ran against each other for office, who would win.

It's so great that we are having such an unusually exciting election season, and one of those rare changing of the guard thresholds we see about every 20 years or so, but this week I'm experiencing that weird anxiety of this suspense. My hopes were riding so high, she was the front-runner all this time, and it's hard to see her so desperately hanging in there. I had already thoroughly started imagining her first term in office, maybe Barack could be Attorney General or something juicy like that. Now...I'm just feeling so uneasy about it all. He is being naive about global protocol, and will hire on a slew of Bill's crew to help him get on his feet, but if anyone should be leading Bill's crew, it should be Hillary who helped put it together in the first place. It reminds me of the female executive who trains the young male hotshot, who then replaces her in the corner office. The middle-aged woman issue is this--- She isn't a woman most men want to have sex with, and she reminds men under 40 of their moms and who wants your mom for president, right? But if she's too sexy, that's not good, either. Geena Davis had good presidential charisma.

This is nuts. I'm going to shut it off until at least 8pm, another 4 hours away. With all of my term paper absorption over the weekend, there is all that housework I didn't do. Someone remind me to never change paper topics a mere 10 days before the due date ever again.

Politics and Real Life

I have a mid-term tomorrow, so this will be short.

My dear friend Jolie took her 13 year old daughter out of school last week to go to a political rally at Denver University, knowing the experience of 'politics as rock concert' would have a lasting impression on her youngin', and here she is. (they grow up so fast)

She shook Bill's hand, and took pictures of him going through the reception line. Jolie was so proud, and happy to be the shining blue light in her red state neighborhood, and that her daughter got the political bug of how important this election is in her lifetime, and to be aware and awake for it while it's happening. Talk about handing the torch to the next generation, Ted Kennedy's got nothing on this one.

I stayed home from an Anthropology Department after school lecture on 'Myth-busting CSI Forensics' to watch the Clinton-Obama debate last Thursday live on CNN, and found out the next day that the lecture was packed, and the kids in class didn't even know there was a debate or who was debating or that only two Democrats were left in the race. I already knew that no one under 25 listens to the radio anymore, which guarantees the final death rattle of neo-Cratzies talk radio shows, but other than Obama buzz online, the GenYers don't watch news or CNN either. No newspapers, no radio, no landline telephones, no tv news---we're undergoing a complete media revolution and over 40 people don't know it yet. The campaigns who 'get it' will lead the way to the political future and everyone else will be wondering what just ran them over.

I'm watching the bug-eyed furious conservative 'faith' party implode because a reasonable man who wants to work with Democrats will win the nomination, which is another example of how crazy this 'moral majority' crap is and that it's finally drawing to a close in the light of reason. This new generation who loves Obama won't fall for this line of narrow exclusionist thinking, Rushbaugh can fade away with Cheney and the rest of the Nixon/Reagan interns and we can get on with leading our country into the future. It's a nicely odd feeling when I can choose between a black candidate, a woman candidate and a white republican I respect in a presidential election, and they all have an absolute chance of winning, AND will all work together after the election. I have hope again.

A Little Political

Sent Betty a Hillary Clinton bumpersticker from the H.C. website...heh heh heh heh heh

So I guess I'm throwing my support behind Hillary, since she's the next better thing since Bill, and we'll get more Bill, which delights me to no end. Which is why I sent mom the sticker---Betty despises them both. (evil cackle)

Hell, I always knew I'd vote for Hillary, who am I trying to kid, I just wasn't always certain she'd run. When she stayed with Bill, I knew she was at least thinking about it, get her own career back after the White House one way or the other, and she'd have to stay married to run for anything, damn his eyes...she's smart, that's why the ConFunds are so afraid of her. So, I emailed her today, just to suggest that she not sling too much nasty mud with Barack, since he'll be her VP most likely, unless he gets mad and refuses, then Richardson is my guy for the future VP. Not that Hillary has time to answer much these days, but I know she's open to consensus opinions, and does not want to uphold dirty old boy tactics. I'll put her sticker on my car, and try to convince Betty to at least give her sticker to my brother and not toss it in the trash. Unlikely.

My all-time favorite little ditty is the new "Dumb Chicks for Hillary" tactic of the angry-middle-aged-white-guys in the media, or even meaner, "Stupid Broads for Clinton" that I think Dennis Miller threw up on Fox not too long ago while hand-jobbing with Bill O'Riledup (or was it one-note 'El Patron' Lou Dobbs?). So building consensus is an estrogen thing, we've been told this over and over since middle school sex ed class, and violence and competition are testosterone things, and girls don't count, so there! Cheney is such a poster-boy for the AMAWGs, dying of heart disease, high blood pressure, terminal type-A, table thumping, war-mongering, hunting and back-slapping, this pile is mine and I'll shoot you dead, with us or against me, my way is the only way mentality---afraid that at any moment that defib gadget will fire off and keep this Frankenstein animated for a few months longer, the impotent wizard behind the curtain. I crowed like a mad rooster when I heard Trent Lott was the latest rat scampering off the sinking Bush junk---Dennis Hastert, too, both leaving before their term is up and costing their districts hundreds of thousands of dollars to put on mid-term elections a year after losing the House and Senate. I think they should use their remaining campaign funds to help cover the costs of these elections, since they are such poor losers that they take their marbles and go home so soon after being hell-bent on being elected. They should go, if they are going to be that ineffective. But I'm glad they don't represent my district and state, or I'd really be pissed off.

I'll be as glad to see the end of this 8 year dirge as I was to see Reagan hobble off to his ranch.