Spring Broke

Spring break is begun, and I'm not sure why, but I'm grumpy. Is it because I'm already missing my regular class routine that ended over a week ago before exam week started? The lectures, the rapt absorption of every fun fact in art history, the Olmec carved heads that make me want to sculpt big things, the smug satisfaction that I felt upon realizing I knew more skeletal bones' names than I thought and that wasn't going to be tough after all---basically, the last week wasn't fun as usual, today I feel seized with the pending home invasion of Homo habilis, (a handyman installing a window) and knowing I have weeks of unmade plans to catch-up on in this tiny shrinking little week of break. Fah! (I want to watch more Deadwood DVDs and eat ice cream, but the hours tick by relentlessly.) I already hear the jingling of H. habilis' toolbox coming up the walk. It's all for the greater good, I know. Make the effort, do the dishes, vacuum, deal with the pile of magazines. Iron. Fold and put away the clean laundry from Thursday. Grrr.

It's like Betty's coming to visit all over again, I think that's what is making me crabby about this. I resent it for no reason other than I'd rather be doing something else that's fun, not necessary. Like going to get a new laptop, or seeing a movie, find a couple orchid plants on sale at Fred Meyer's, starting a new knitting project, falling into some margaritas with friends. Bah humbug.

There's no one to blame but myself. Clearly, at some level I'm too in touch with my inner 13 year old and she and I are sulking upstairs in our room, waiting until we turn 18 and our lives will really start. Those were 5 long long years, as I recall. Let's fast forward, shall we?

Someone else over the weekend remarked that an anthropology degree was a gigantic waste of time and money, what were my real plans, and that may be the real catalyst for the slump today. Either I am a complete and indebted fool, or too many people in the world have no imagination and bigger vision about handling practical reality. You can buy a $40,000 SUV and make crazy payments on that for years and that's normal today, but racking up some bills on a college education and a degree or two for about the same price is foolish. Explain this to me.

Okay, I'm going to "get real" for a few hours anyway and do some hausfrau stuff, see my favorite dog a bit, and then maybe pick up some mint chip. Betty's not coming, stand down and relax, spring break is only a week and it will be school again in no time. A smart anthropologist can create her own dream job, mull that over while vacuuming.

Grief

My favorite dog is leaving the planet and my heart is breaking. There's nothing I can do except hug on him, pet and scratch him, give him some yogurt and doggie cookies, push the water dish over, and help him up if he wants to go outside. Nothing but everything I can to help him and give him love and touch.

You're never ready, you just aren't, unless you're good at keeping your heart in an insulated place far away from where it's supposed to be. I'm no good at that with animals, and even though he's been sliding in that direction for a while, it was still a shock to see it so baldly and with no other meaning than this. I'm tired of saying goodbye to animals, but I can't quit loving them, there's no other way than to love the hell out of them, so a fresh heartbreak, another raw grief, and time to say goodnight again. I know what unconditional love is because I've learned it this way, over and again, the noble animal souls who leave me behind blessed with their unconditional acceptance and love for me. There's no 'right' way to do grief, you just shoulder into it and keep breathing. Hugging other animals is a fine solace.