Bad, as in thoughtless, careless, unwittingly mindless, self-absorbed happiness foot in mouth stupid.
The other day, while chatting with my gorgeous neighbor Steven, I realized I was going on and on in a bubbling brook of happiness sort of way, and upon hearing the actual words coming out of my mouth, I stopped, and had to apologize, in a very female sort of way.
It sounded like bragging, and I was horrified. "Steven, ohmigod, you do understand, right, that all of this wonderful school miracle good fortune that is surrounding me these days makes me pinch myself all the time in wonderment, I don't mean that I'm just so fucking fabulous, I am just in complete amazement after all those years of slogging in the B-store trenches and the 25 years of not being able to do this, that I'm giddy happy and---" and he cut me off.
"Of course my dear, and it is so nice to really talk with someone at length about good things going on, and I get it, I really do, you're genuinely happy and it's great! Don't worry about anything with this and me, okay?" What a generous pal he is. But it happened today with someone else, and after a comment they made off-handedly, I realized "Oh oh, oh no, I just meant to communicate that they shouldn't worry, things were improving and financially were on the upswing after some tough times, it wasn't meant as a boast, really!" Oh bloody hell, now I just have to sit quiet and say "Fine," when asked how school is going, limit it to "great!" and not reveal my amazement that it's all still happening, it isn't being yanked out from under me somehow, inexplicably, just stop there. Shit.
There is still this feeling of it all being unreal somehow, it can't last, it will get ripped away somehow like it did the last time, this thing that meant everything to me. It's unfair for me to assume people I know here in Portland would just know this about me, they haven't known me that long, they met me as a B-store drone, and so, okay, fine, you're finishing a degree, great, so shut up already. I can get carried away, but never ever meant to offend. Crap.
Of course, there is a volume of back-story about this, and I won't pour it all out here except to say that there was always a pattern of my academic achievements being sloughed off as no big deal, pipe down, go do your chores, don't act so big. So more unfinished business regarding school, as well as the plowing through the final credit hours. I'm just happy this is all happening, and I want to go all the way, and I don't want to be a jerk.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I've Done a Bad Thing
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4 comments:
No, goddamn it. Why shouldn't you brag? Why shouldn't you bubble? It's fantastic, it's wonderful. You *are* so fucking fabulous.
Maybe I don't get the full context here, but I so do not see you as any kind of jerk. I love it when people are happy and ebullient around me. I love it when people are enthusiastic about what they're doing. It makes the world worth inhabiting.
Thank you for understanding, and I should also say that it's SO un-Midwestern of me to go on about things taking a turn for the good. We of humble European peasant stock do not trumpet on about good fortune immodestly, either because it could offend someone not as fortunate, or it is a challenge to Martin Luther's god to yank it out from under us. Breaking past this barrier feels wonderful but also terrifying sometimes. But I like it.
ooooh martin luther's god! -he does want to ruin all your fun! -I know all about the stoic, midwestern, don't-ya-dare-be-too-happy thing. I have spent the better part of my adulthood trying to nip his (god's) influence in the bud. We of hardy german stock are also plagued periodically by "careful what you wish for syndrome" and the general foreboding sense that all good things come to an end...and they do, of course...but so fucking what?? isn't that all the more reason to celebrate and make a joyful noise unto martin luther's lord!:)
ummm. hello, you are amazing. you better tell the world and more importantly, continue to show the world. whatever happiness you find, you earn, you create or you luck into... it is YOURS and you deserve it. no apologies.
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